I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
