ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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