I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
