I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Ketchup is God's man juice
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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