I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
soo... how was my night?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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