I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Randomize
