I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
