I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
