Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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