To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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