I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize