I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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