I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
