the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
