Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
