Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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