i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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