take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
