if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
