I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
