rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
