The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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