I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Randomize
