we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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