I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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