I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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