please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
