There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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