Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
