I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
