R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
