I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
