Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
