I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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