Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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