I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
