she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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