Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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