I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
