Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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