he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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