The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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