and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
