It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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