Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
