Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
