when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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