Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
