I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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