life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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