The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
