I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
