I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
