please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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