I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
