I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
FUCK WHALES
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
