Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
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I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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