I should be sponsored by Trojan
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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