I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
