He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
