My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
