She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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