sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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