dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
